Alfa
Passionate and romantic, you fancy yourself. A bit unreliable, and can be eccentric too. You hate BMW drivers, but think and act just like them.
Audi
You would like to believe you are part of the new generation that is caring, environmentally conscious and family-orientated. Actually quite boring; nothing more than a glorified wuss. Will one day probably drive a Merc, but you still sometimes wonder if you shouldn’t have bought that Bee-Em.
BMW
Self-centred, ambitious, dynamic and assertive. Can be a big show-off pig. Likes impressing too. Buppies and kugels past sell-by date. You think you will be CEO one day. Actually an office weenie who thinks you are God’s gift.
Daewoo
Faceless, subservient and demure (except for Matiz drivers). To you, a good deal is to work from nine to five, get nothing for it, and still say thank you. And then you wonder why you don’t have money for a time after hours.
Ford
You still live in the 70’s, trying to cope with the 90’s (don’t even mention the millennium). A loyal, diligent worker, but baffled by office politics and labour policies. Next car will probably also be a Ford.
Holden
You are the ultimate on-road idiot. You think your 80s model Commodore is a V8 supercar, OR you think by owning a Barina you’re a true Holden fan. You’re either a redneck or a way-too-standard family parent – but either way, you most likely drive like you’re the only person on the road. You’re even ignorant enough to argue that the new Commodore is better than the new Ford.
Honda
You aspire to drive a BMW. You are an opinionated pain-in-the-butt. The ultimate suffragette, or the boss’s girlfriend (male or female!).
Isuzu
You like the smell of diesel and have secret fantasy of being a truck driver.
Hyundai /Kia
Quite progressive, intelligent and practical. But misguided. The kind of person who will suggest a sub-committee to find solutions to what the committee couldn’t. You will always maintain that a Korean car is better than any Japanese model.
Jeep
You would like to believe you are living the American dream and just love the great outdoors. The closest you get to it is by watching Days of Our Lives and the Adventure Channel.
Land Rover
You are a designer person with a designer life, who always pays too much for everything. Designer mud comes free with the badge. You’re a closet colonial racist and have fantasies about the Queen. If you have a Freelander, it was probably a break-up gift from your ex.
Mazda
A Ford driver with less money. Mostly staid boring with no image and less imagination. Lots of retired people drive Mazdas. You’re in the way and should get off the road.
Mercedes-Benz
Responsible, immaculate and conservative. Boring CEO clones with too much money, or the office super-geek who can’t remember what it’s like to have fun. Definitely not dating material.
Nissan
Good, solid, responsible, loyal office-fodder. You like to travel and maintain that you can sell ice to the Eskimos. Favourite answer: "It’s a company car."
Mitsubishi
Not as label-conscious as your Land Rover counterpart, but still suckered into believing in the ultimate Paris-to-Dakar, African adventure. You drive through puddles to create your own designer mud. You believe you’ve made the grade, but everyone else knows you’ve got a long way to go.
Peugeot
Thinks France is the best country in the world and bores everybody with your limited French knowledge and tales of the Louvre and the Sourbonne.
Porsche
Small dick or mid-life crisis.
Renault
An eccentric who likes doing things the wrong way around. Usually the one who asks all the silly questions at staff meetings. You fervently believe you have flair, but it’s less than that of a French cookbook. Most probably gay.
Ssangyong
A make-believe fool, because you’d like a Pajero but can’t afford it. Don’t actually know that the engines are made in India and not in Germany.
Toyota
Although there are thousands of them, you mostly can’t spot them in their zero-image cars. Toyotas are good, reliable cars and are bought by a wide variety of people who have zero personality to go with their cars and are basically chicken-shit scared people who will never take chances and will therefore be driving Toyotas forever.
The most zero-image car in the world?, … a white Corolla
Volkswagen
Highly overrated for dependability cars since the days of the Beetle, but they do have a good re-sale value. Usually practical, sensible people who like to drive fast where nobody can see them. They are usually loyal to their brand to the point of irritation due to the fact that they lost their virginity on a Beetle’s back seat.
Volvo
As square and safe as the car
Porsche and Mitsubishi here… boy am I a mess… LOL